a.k.a, you know you're a Masshole when...
I'm a transplant to these parts, with only 8 years logged in the Bay State. And that's fine. A recent query from Boston.com to its readers caught my eye, however, and led me to some great finds on the discussion board. I'm crossposting the best here, with attribution to the users, even though I imagine the excepts might exist elsewhere.
I find these pretty funny -- and true to my own experience, limited though it may be.
Enjoy!
(From jbt)
Yes, to be a true Massachusetts resident, you have to reside, which is to say make your permanent residence, in The Commonwealth of Massachusetts.
To be a Masshole, however, you have to know a frappe has ice cream (a milkshake is syrup, crushed ice and milk, or malted milk if you prefer). You have to know you can go either to or down the Cape (never heard that distinction before). You would realize that any idiot who parks in the Harvard Yard is going to be towed, if not jailed.
It also helps if you know where you can get (now that Jones's is closing down) Adidas shell-toes or gazelles (or Nike Cortez), Girbauds and a Champion sweatshirt--with a plastic visor if you're feeling sporty. You have to have at least one friend named Sully. You must have owned a late-70s to mid-80s Oldsmobuick (bonus for the vinyl top). You should be acquainted with "Cold Tea" in Chinatown.
If you're hardcore, you were glad when you read this morning about Phil Rizzuto (former spokeman for predatory lending), you still have a soft spot for Joe Morgan, you never thought Johnny Most was biased, you still have something that says on it either "Squish the Fish" or "Berry the Bears", and you still are aware there is a professional hockey franchise in Boston.
One could go on forever. You can identify, without Wikipedia, the Governor who rode the T, the Governor who loved the Grateful Dead, and the Governor who commuted by helicopter. At some point, you probably were drinking a beer within 10 feet of Ray Flynn (and neither of you remember it).
You do not alternate-merge, period, and when a left-turn light turns yellow, you know that the next five cars are entitled to peel off across traffic. However, you are very skilled at navigating rotaries and 5-way intersections, and you never get confused when you are on 93 North and 128 South at exactly the same instant. For that matter, wherever you are going, you know how to get there 10 different ways without using an expressway, and if you are on an expressway, you know exactly when and where you can use the breakdown lane. At a traffic light, you beep your horn a heartbeat before it turns green.
You should be able to explain why J. Geils is the greatest rock band of all time. You should be able to spend 25 minutes typing a message on a Globe message board and feel it's totally justified, because the question is so important.
Most of all, you should be able to be cryptically profane by using phonetics. Fah. Q.
From (Sugar Magnolia)
You know you're from Massachusetts if......
1. You think crosswalks are for wimps
2. You think if someones nice to you they either want something or they are from out of town and lost
3. You know how to cross four lanes of traffic in five seconds
4. You're amazed when traveling out of town that people at Dunkin Donuts actually speak English
5. You think it's not actually tailgating unless you're touching the bumper of the car in front of you
6. You know that a yellow light means that at least five more people can get through and a red one means two more can
7. The transportation system is known as the "T"
8. You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house
9. Subway is a fast food place
10. There are 24 Dunkin Donuts shops within 15 minutes of your house
11. When people talk about "The Curse Of The Bambino" you know what they're talking about and believe it too. This one is all over!!!!!!!!!! GO RED SOX!!!!
12. You believe using your turn signals gives away your plan to the enemy
13. If you stay on the same road long enough it eventually has three different names
14. Someone has honked at you because you didn't peel out the second the light turned green
15. You have honked at someone because they didn't peel out the second the light turned green
16. All the potholes just add to the excitement of driving
17. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you want to
18. Six inches of snow is considered a dusting
19. Three days of 90 degree heat is definitely a "heat wave", 63 degrees is "on the warm side"
20. You cringe everytime you hear some actor/actress imitate the "Boston Accent" on TV or in a movie, if you don't have it then you're never going to get it even if you were born here
21. At the ice cream shop you call chocolate sprinkles "jimmies"
22. You can go from one side of town to the other in less than fifteen minutes and see at least fifteen losers you went to high school with doing the same thing they were doing when you saw them last
23. The person in front of you is going 70 MPH and you're cursing them for going too slow
24. You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill, and Cotuit
25. You know what they sell at a "packie"
26. You have never been to Cheers
27. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgator
28. You still try to order curly fries from Burger King
29. You keep an ice scraper in your car all year round
30. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frank
31. Paranoia sets in when you can't see an ATM or CVS
32. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block on-coming traffic so you can make a left
33. You've bragged about saving money at The Christmas Tree Shop
34. You know what "regular coffee" is
35. You can navigate a rotary without a problem
36. You have been to Fenway Park
37. You refer to the New York Yankees as the devil
38. You feel the rest of the world needs to drive more like you
39. When someone calls you a "masshole" you take it as a compliment
40. You use the words "wicked" and "good" in the same sentence
41. You know what a frappe is
42. Saint Patricks Day is your second favorite holiday
43. You are proud to drink Sam Adams and think that the rest of the country owes Bostonians a thank you
44. You never say "Cape Cod" you say "the cape"
45. You went to Old Sturbridge Village and Plymouth Plantation in elementary school
46. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day
47. You have a special place in your heart for the Worcester Firefighters
48. You know the Mass Pike is some strange weather dividing line
49. You almost feel dissappointed when someone doesn't flip you off when you cut them off or steal their parking space
50. You actually get all the jokes and pass them on
(From Mikstah)
101 Ways You Know you're a Proud Bostonian
1 . The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the
greatest moments in your life.
2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at
him for going too slow.
3. When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke.
4. You went to Canobie Lake Park or Water Country as a kid
5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
6. You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language -
foreva!
7. Your social security number starts with a 0
8. You can actually find your way around Boston.
9. You know what a "regular" coffee is.
10 You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.
11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent.
12. Springfield is located "way out west."
13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't f lip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, and Haverhill.
15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.
16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or CVS within eyeshot at all times.
17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.
18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.
19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.
20. You order iced coffee in January
21. You know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere
22. You love scorpion bowls.
23. You know what they sell at a Packie.
24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.
25. You know what First Night is.
26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Sully, Red, Bud or Seamus.
27. McLobster? McCrap!
28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.
29. Sure there are 6 New England states, but Connecticut really doesn't
count.
30. You intentionally give wrong directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself ,"Ah, screw them."
31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.
32. You're sick of the Kennedy's, but you vote for them anyway.
33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional
34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.
35. You've been to Goodtimes before
36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day. (...and they DO).
37. You have never been to "Cheers."
38. The words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.
39. You've been to Fenway Park several times.
40. You've gone to at least one party at U Mass.
41 You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat.
42. You know what a Frappe is.
43. You've been to Hempfest.
44. You know who Frank Averuch is.
45. ADVANCED: You know who was once Bozo the Clown.
46. You can complete the following: "Lynn, Lynn..."
47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be friggin' Snows.
48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.
49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time.
50. You never go to "Cape Cod," you go "down the Cape".
51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.
53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school
54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.
55. You remember Major Mudd.
56. You know what candlepin bowling is
57. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day
58. You know Scollay Square once stood where Government Center is.
59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around. Speaking of which...
60. You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town
61. Calling Carrabba's an "Italian" restaurant is sacrilege
62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents' attic.
63. You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line.
64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are in town.
65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't really that much of a surprise.
66. You call guys you've just met "Chief" or "Boss."
67. 4:15pm and pitch black out means there's just 3 more shopping days until Christmas
68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy
69. You refer to Savin Hill as "Stab 'n Kill."
70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park, but recommend it to tourists.
71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.
72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.
73. 11pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloon!
74. 2 am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's Roast Beef!
75. 5 am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat
76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.
77. People you don't like are all "Bastids."
78. You took school or work off for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade
79. You've called something "wicked pissa."
80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.
81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman
82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38
83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater
84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.
85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox
86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.
87. Your town has at least 6 sub shops, and none of them are a Subway.
88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie
89. 20 degrees isn't that bad as long as there's no wind.
90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden
91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice's Restaurant.
92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was Athah Feedlah.
93. You know what the Combat Zone is
94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax
95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.
96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop
97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night
98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.
99. Hearing an old lady shout "Numbah 96 for Sioux City!" means it's time for steak
100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Grants, Bradlees, Caldor, Zayres, or Ann & Hope.
101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts!
